When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You Might Also Like
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.