@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

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@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

@RobDenBleyker

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

@TheRealRHB

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

@NewDadNotes

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

@MissSassy_Pants

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

@WhaJoTalkinBout

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@okimstillhungry

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

@Marlebean

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.