When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35