When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.