When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
car salesman: 100%
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.