@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

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@erica_rosie

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

@OnlyFastEddie

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…