When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

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COP: Know why I stopped you?


COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins


[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot


a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing


If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.


Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.