I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
How did we not see this back then?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…