@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

@brokeymcpoverty

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

@Brampersandon_

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

@flashember

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

@KalvinMacleod

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.