When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar