When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

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Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.


Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled


Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.


By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”


I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.


7: I wanna watch a movie

Me: its late, sleep


M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.


My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.


Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.


Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus