@Chel__CLE

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

@rebrafsim

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

@BillMc7

Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

@Carbosly

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

@DaddyJew

7: I wanna watch a movie

Me: its late, sleep

7: I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE

M: fine *puts in Texas Chainsaw Massacre* goodnight you little shit

@UncleBob56

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

@DontFollowDave

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus