Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m in AAAAA, so I get my tires changed by recovering alcoholics.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late