When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
absolute chaos
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”