@amydillon

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

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@onion_an

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

@pleasenodms

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

@CleoZevach3000

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

@madamezooble

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

@Ygrene

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

@pilau

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late