When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
This is Sparta
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.