@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

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@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@Staggfilms

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@Contwixt

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

@sonictyrant

[first trip on a cruise liner]

CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships
ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

@Eightinchgoat

I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.