When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Ironic
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.