@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

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@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

@geekysteven

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

@TheMichaelRock

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can’t figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

@AshleyFrankly

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@lovemyboots111

Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@Jamberee13

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?