FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*![]()
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here