Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Emma Stone” ~ Italian man telling you he’s high
I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too