When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

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People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.


People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.


Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please


Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”


My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP


I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos


Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.


When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.