When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk