im 7 sauces long
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I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”