When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
? 💀
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.