Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.