I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.
Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.