* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
You Might Also Like
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.