Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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for all #parents out there
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.