When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Good point.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.