Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Adar79Angie

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

@HeelyRiddler

for all #parents out there

@OrvllShrednbchr

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@tragecies

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

@NewDadNotes

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@1NTERCEPTOR_

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

@Breadery

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

@KingsnorthAP

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.