It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy