@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

You Might Also Like

@celizario

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:4;}

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@ObscureGent

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

@KattsDogma

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy