When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*limbos away from your hug*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.