When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
black phone good
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
This why you should mind your business
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
britain’s three elite institutions
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.