When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”


“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.


You have 6 marijuana plants under a heat lamp in your basement. Please stop calling yourself a farmer.


it’s my dream interview at nasa. “how are ur programming skills” they ask. “out of this world” i nervously joke. the walls shake. the interviewer starts convulsing. several engineers run in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate


Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”


If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.


When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult


Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement


McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.


*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.