When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon


me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable


if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”


me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only


Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.


White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.


Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet


I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!