@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

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@MattBellassai

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

@FredTaming

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

@mrjohndarby

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

@StansaidAirport

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

@Nahdude83

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet

@iGreenMonk

I’m so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!