@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

You Might Also Like

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”329582967800336385″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”249″;s:5:”tweet”;s:138:”FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

@caithuls

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

@MalikGCFR

Girl: why should I date you?

Guy: because I can maintain a stable relationship

Girl: you said you don’t have an ex, why do you feel you can handle a stable relationship?

Guy: I’ve had a horse for 5 years

@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

@KeetPotato

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@FunnyMojoJojo

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

@curlycomedy

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.