when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.