When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately