When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Storm Tropical Storm
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.