When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

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WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds


Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?


The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.


my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”


I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life


captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol


My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?


[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?


The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.


My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.