When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
i love meeting boys on tinder
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Previously On Persistence 😎
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant