trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
You Might Also Like
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.