@guelphgirlchris

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

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@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@LostFelicia

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

@AGStr8upNinja

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

@Ygrene

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

@awkwardphilippe

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

@sammyrhodes

Learned from my 2yr old tonight that Jesus doesn’t like bananas. No word on cauliflower yet but pretty sure he’s not a fan.