when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
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I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The options really are this bad
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
first you must answer his riddles
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.