When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

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*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond


If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.


I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose


Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*


Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either


You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.


If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.


My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2