When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.