@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

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@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond

@vinfury

If you play your cards right, I could be your 2nd and 4th husband.

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@NicestHippo

Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either

@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@scorpicpanda

If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.

@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2