When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
You Might Also Like
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.