When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
You have been warned.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him