When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”


My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.


*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*


When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.


Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps


My son is having a difficult time understanding the book he is reading because it uses antiquated terms like Walkman and cassette tape.


Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.


[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*