@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

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@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@TheAlexNevil

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

@gtfml

When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.

@rn_murse

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

@mommajessiec

My son is having a difficult time understanding the book he is reading because it uses antiquated terms like Walkman and cassette tape.

@MableGertrude

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*