*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Oh no
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that