@pecan_pie_1

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

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@clairecdowns

Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
Both:123
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!

@ieatanddrink

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@petfurniture

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

@chrisdelia

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””

@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

@cheeky__gal

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

@peachgrenade

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

@fatherofcomedy

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.