@pecan_pie_1

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

- @pecan_pie_1

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@garrettbarry70

A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.

@DirtMcTurd

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

@EJGomez

bay: come over
me: no you’re a broad inlet of the sea where the land curves inward
bay: my parents aren’t home
me: how are you talking

@mela_shea

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@ashlar36

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

@PickleRudd

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

@OnlyFastEddie

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

@UncleDuke1969

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”