When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

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Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*


It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.


“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly


I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”


*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””


hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall


Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.


My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.


People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.