*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty
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“I got your back”
“And I got your nose”
“Ooh I want his feet”
Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.