When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
You Might Also Like
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.