When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
podcasts
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA