The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
I run naked down the street.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
wife: would you like a glass of water?
me: a glass of what?
me: try again. a glass of what?
wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.
Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Match dot com, but for socks.