When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

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The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die


I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.


2 year old runs naked down the street.


I run naked down the street.



What do we want?
When do we want them?


wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?


My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.



MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”


Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.