@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

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@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

@lecalabara

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

@TheAlexNevil

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.