@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

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@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@Stellacopter

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

@Brianhopecomedy

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@PoshTick

wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@Xoolun

Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst.

Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.