I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”
Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.