@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

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@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

@TwatWaffler69

Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?

@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@Thedudish

When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.