@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

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@Naked_Superman

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

@KalvinMacleod

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

@Manali_Shetye5

Mom: can i borrow your laptop?
Me: *deletes history*
Me: *logs out of twitter*
Me: *closes chrome*
Me: *opens internet explorer*
Me: sure

@Skoog

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

@randypaint

youtube: do u wanna try youtube premium? it’s free for a month

me: no

[five minutes later]

youtube: ur not gonna believe what’s free for a month

@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

@HansGrubertron

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…