When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I don’t know what to do
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?