Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.