When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
🍞🦆
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.