When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
You Might Also Like
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I think this should do it.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂