cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.