Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
i wish i could marry a nap
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.