@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

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@EndhooS

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

@Gupton68

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@TravLeBlanc

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

@AnniemuMary

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@AnniemuMary

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

@Laser_Cat

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.