“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Biden: I just farted by the door here he comes
Obama: LOL OMG MOVE
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.