Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–
LAWYER: *plays dead*
BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene