When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

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Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.


Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’


I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.


I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around


BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go


uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene