@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

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@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@steph_the_twit

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@ADHDeanASL

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

@House_Feminist

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

@NicestHippo

BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot–

LAWYER: *plays dead*

BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go

@iamspacegirl

uh NEWS FLASH Keith ur name rhymes w/ teeth.
Yea
how do u like them apples Mouth Boy.
How do u like them apples promoting good oral hygiene