*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?