@UncleDuke1969

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

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@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

@robotmouthfarts

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

@Mom_Overboard

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

@GreenEyedLoon

Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Me: True
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car

@BGH70

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@wickedsuga

Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.