When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Pizza is an emotion right?