A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Saved a man from a speeding car
Man: Can’t trust anyone
Man: Us old ones got to stick together
Pushed him in front of the next car
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?
*reason #42 why I can’t fall asleep
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.