When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
You Might Also Like
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police