When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
This is Sparta