When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.