Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Chuck Norris tries this at home.
The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing