@ShaunRightNow

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

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@Swishergirl24

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

@Bob_Janke

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

@LostFelicia

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

@ninjadinosaur1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

@daemonic3

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

@MadamBetteNoire

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

@meganamram

The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing