When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳