@ShaunRightNow
@Swishergirl24
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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@Swishergirl24
@Bob_Janke
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
@LostFelicia
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
@ninjadinosaur1
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
@krisv_723
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
@daemonic3
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
@MadamBetteNoire
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
@trevso_electric
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
@chuck_facts
Chuck Norris tries this at home.
@meganamram
The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing