When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
#Caturday
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
This meal prepping shit is easy
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014