@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

@letsgetgizzy

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@LaziestCanine

Cashier: find everything okay?
Me: yes
[comes back 5 hours later]
Me: [through the tears] i lied, i’ve been trying to find Kony since 2012

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@vineyille

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.