Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!
FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?
CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’