@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

@CroweJam

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

@JazzJazzybc

Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.

@GrantTanaka

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@ArfMeasures

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

@Bagyants

MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves!

FOX: What’s next, thought crimes?

CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’