When news reporters do sports stories
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
God has left this place
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.