When news reporters do sports stories

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All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.


3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.


I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.


This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.


me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding


Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.


Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.


I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”


Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.


My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”