@RLJnews

When news reporters do sports stories

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@PaperFury

All I’m saying is that 95% of the reason we want libraries with ladders is so we can run up, jump on the ladder, and slide majestically down rows of books with our cloaks fluttering behind us.

@ThisOneSayz

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@bobvulfov

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

@Nikkeya08

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

@squirrel74wkgn

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

@notreallysophie

I’m watching a first date in a cafe, she says her favorite fruits are cherries or strawberries, and he nods knowingly and says “red fruits”

@WilliamAder

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

@Bagyants

My gangster name would be The Street. If someone dared to oppose me I’d say ominous things like “Look both ways before you cross The Street”