when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
*pronounces carrot like tarot*