when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
79.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators